


Sassy Gay Hobbit

by madame_faust



Category: Sassy Gay Friend (Comedy Skit), The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Ending, Crack, Kink Meme, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-22
Updated: 2013-01-22
Packaged: 2017-11-26 10:21:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/649536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madame_faust/pseuds/madame_faust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crack!fic fill for the Hobbit Kink Meme prompt - "This is Thorin Oakenshield. He is about to cause a major interspecies conflict over a glowy rock called the Arkenstone, leading to his death in the upcoming battle. This fate could have been avoided if he had a Sassy Gay (Boy)Friend."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sassy Gay Hobbit

**Author's Note:**

> Read the original post and prompt on the Hobbit Kink Meme here - http://hobbit-kink.livejournal.com/702.html?thread=430014#t430014
> 
> Disclaimer - I do not own any of this, I am making no profit from this story, neither _The Hobbit_ nor the Sassy Gay Friend.

"What are you doing?" Bilbo yelped, rushing toward the dwarf with an expression of horrified shock on his face. Even his scarf glittered in unmistakable agitation. "What, what, WHAT are you doing?"  
  
Thorin's eyes blazed as he regarded the halfling imperiously, "This treasure is _mine_. This land is mine, my forefathers carved it out of the rock with their sweat and blood. We have waited in exile all these long years and neither Man nor Elf have any claim of it."  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Divine Right of Kings," Bilbo sassed, rolling his eyes mightily. "They have no 'claim'? Um, I'm not sure you noticed this in the middle of your treasure hard-on, but A GIANT DRAGON FELL ON THEIR TOWN. I'd say that's at least a few thousand insurance claims you're looking at."  
  
Thorin's mighty mien lost only a touch of its majesty as he considered the hobbit's words, but his eyes hardened once more when he reflected upon his years of toil in exile. "I do not deny their suffering, but it is of a day, while my people - "  
  
"Oh, for the love of Mahal, is it time for the Oppression Olympics already?" Bilbo raised a warning finger as Thorin Oakenshield, King Under the Mountain opened his mouth to speak. "If all the races of Middle Earth got together to talk about whose lives suck the most, we'd be here all day - well, except for the elves, they lose immediately."  
  
Thranduil, already incensed by the Dwarf King's unyielding insolence, drew himself up and seemed prepared to retort, but the hobbit whipped his head around and wagged a forbidding finger in his general direction, hip cocked defiantly. "Uh-uh, nothing from you, Garnier For Men, that face is so pretty, I could slap it. You live forever, you're beautiful and powerful and the only thing you have to complain about is sometimes people think you ride a Moose to work."  
  
Thranduil sniffed haughtily and replied, "It is an _elk_."  
  
Bilbo shrugged, "Mirkwood problems."

With a defiant hair toss, the hobbit pressed his lips into a line and set his eyes on Thorin once again. "Let's put our big girl breeches on and think about this logically - your grandfather was corrupted by his love of gold. Look at your life, look at your choices. Can you say, 'Foreshadowing'?"  
  
Thorin could indeed say 'foreshadowing,' but he chose to remain silent. Perhaps there was wisdom in what the hobbit spoke.  
  
"Now, I like a diamond tiara as much as the next Sassy Gay Hobbit, but have you _seen_ how much gold is in there? A lot!" Bilbo paused and murmured, half to himself. "Huh. I feel like this was an issue before. Dwarves and Elves fighting over pretty jewels and necklaces. And people say _I'm_ a raging queen."  
  
Aside over, he looked imploringly up at Thorin, "Sharing is caring! Be the bigger person and spare us all your mightier-than-thou-I'm-just-such-a-sexy-battle-weary-Dwarf-Prince-brooding thing for, like, five minutes. Which, incidentally is probably the amount of time it takes for goblins and wargs and bears (oh my!) to mount a surprise raid on a recently-decimated Lonely Mountain."

Thorin's eyes widened momentarily in surprise. "Goblins?" he queried. "What news have you of this?"

Bilbo put his hands on his hips and cocked his head. "Girl, I'm the narrator of this proto-D&D campaign, I know all." When Thorin did not speak, he held aloft his bargaining chip and gestured toward the assemblage of Elves and Men. "Don't make me ransom this Arkenstone. It's embarrassing to see a grown Dwarf cry." His expression grew more somber. "Come on, be a good King now. Spread the wealth around. Don't be a stupid bitch."

The halfling's simple words struck Thorin to the heart. He saw that he was indeed sharing his forefather's mistakes, was quite emphatically behaving as a stupid bitch. Now was not a time to inherit past arrogance and greed. Now was a time to become King. "Very well," Thorin said with a curt nod. "The Elves and Men may have their share of the treasure of the Mountain. To repair the damage that has been done."

Bilbo smiled broadly and clapped his hands merrily. "Good for you!" he cheered, rushing forward to give Thorin a side hug. It put him in the perfect position to mutter up into the Dwarf's ear, "It's a good thing you didn't force me to give shiny little rock away. I think I should go back in that treasure cave. Wearing _only_ this."

Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror, King Under the Mountain, permitted himself a small, but pleased smile. "It seems I was foolish to question the wizard's choice of burglar. You have stolen my heart."

Bilbo smiled and kissed Thorin, to the simultaneous shock/horror/titillation of the assembled races. "You're a stupid bitch. But you're also a sexy bitch, so I'll let it go."


End file.
